i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Randomize
