I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
