Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Randomize
