Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
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