I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Randomize
