Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
