Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
