Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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