Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
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