I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
