Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
