I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
