I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
