if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
