Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
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