Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
