Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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