I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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