He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
