Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
17 year olds will be the death of me.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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