Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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