At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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