It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
