Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
