Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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