its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
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