Cold hands, warm shart.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Randomize
