ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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