she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I deserve to be covered in dicks
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
