I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
