I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
My dick has a subreddit
They are going to name an STD after you.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Randomize
