So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
