I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
