Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
