So drunk its hurt
Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
