Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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