Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
