how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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