I'm gonna have a badass scar
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
