I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
