i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
