her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Randomize
