I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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