I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
