mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
