I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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