I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
