My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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