I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Randomize
