Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
