What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
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