He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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