he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
