Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
